Reflection

My friend passed away Sunday night.  As it turns out, she had a congenital defect in her blood vessels. The doctors discovered this during surgery and said she would have only lived for another 2 weeks even if she hadn't gone running.
I suppose it's a small comfort.  It feels less flukey and random.
I'm pretty upset about it still.  I went to her funeral yesterday and her husband and children spoke.  It was a really nice service, but it was so heartbreaking to look at this sweet little family and imagine the sorrow they must be feeling.  I am trying to focus on feeling grateful for the time I had with her, but it's hard.  Because we always meant to get together more, but then we didn't.  We took it for granted that only lived 30 minutes apart.
So I'm feeling sad, angry, regretful, depressed, apathetic....with moments of gratitude, faith, and love.
Her daughter said, "everyone prayed for a miracle, what we didn't realize is that she was the miracle."

Now why can't I feel like that?!

She's definitely her mother's daughter.  My friend had so much faith.  I guess I thought her family had been through so much already with a cancer kid, a head injury kid, and her kidney stones earlier this year.  It just seems cruel.  And I'm having a hard time getting past that.  I know she would want me to.  I know she would want me to focus on the good and cherish our memories.  Her blog was entitled, "Courage To Be Strong" and quoted their family scripture:
Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid,neither be dismayed, for the LORD thy God is with thee..." Joshua 1:9

So this has been a trial of my faith.  I don't understand it.  I am feeling just about ever emotion there is to feel.  But deep down, I know that the Lord feels our pains too.  That He wanted Kim to stay and raise her children and be a light to the rest of us.  But I learned after my dad died from cancer that God doesn't just heal everyone.  That sometimes it doesn't matter how much faith you have.  Sometimes death just comes.  Life means the good and the bad, the joy and the pain.  We rejoice when a new life comes and grieve when one ends.  It makes it easier knowing of the joyful reunion we will have someday.  I saw so many dear people at the funeral, it was like a mini reunion and someone said they think that's what heaven will be like and I think she is right.  It's so wonderful to see those people who are dear to you.
Kim quotes President Thomas S. Monson on her sidebar:

"If we do not have a deep foundation of faith and a solid testimony of truth, we may have difficulty withstanding the harsh storms and icy winds of adversity which inevitably come to each of us.
Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order for us to be tested, we must face challenges and difficulties. These can break us, and the surface of our souls may crack and crumble - that is, if our foundations of faith, our testimonies of truth are not deeply embedded within us."

Kim was always a source of strength for me.  When I was struggling with my faith, she remained my friend and stayed an amazing example of what a righteous woman was and eventually helped bring me back to my church.  She never knew that.  I hope she knows it now.  I will be forever grateful to her and others whose lives showed me a better way.
I love my friend. My heart aches for her family.  They have a long and difficult road ahead.  I am so glad they have the gospel of Jesus Christ to help them.