But I'm trying to keep myself occupied and it's sort of working. I finally went to do dishes last night and my dishwasher broke. Luckily it's only a $30 part (this is the part where Kim would comment about her perpetually broken dishwasher, ha ha!) so I'll be doing dishes by hand for a week. I think it's a blessing in disguise. Last time the dishwasher broke I was much better about doing all the dishes. A dishwasher makes me lazy because I know it's there and easy to load so I procrastinate. So I'm okay with it.
If the washing machine breaks I will cry.
I have been busy making handmade Christmas gifts and that has been a nice way to occupy my mind at night. It's fun to think about the people I will give these to. Jack even said he wanted to start making jewelry and made me a bracelet. I may have to suck it up and start wearing jewelry (it drives me bonkers! I hate having things moving around on me) because he said he wants to make me all kinds of things. I don't think I'll re-pierce my ears though.
I also started a goal of reading the whole entire Bible. My in-laws gave us an ipad as an early Christmas gift (I know!!!!!) and I downloaded the LDS scripture app so I am reading the Bible along with the Institute manual and it's fascinating! It's slower going, but I love reading all the commentary and explanations.
I also downloaded and NASA app. Just for fun, but didn't realize how healing it would be.
I was just browsing through the pictures and was humbled. Those aren't just stars in the last picture those are galaxies. Billions of galaxies, each containing billions of stars. This life is such a blink in eternity. We forget that because it's painful and it drags on and we're selfish. But there's a whole gigantic universe out there created by a God who loves us- even when we're selfish and depressed. It's hard to describe, but I look at those pictures and I feel God's love. I feel like so much of what I worry about doesn't really matter as long as I am trying to obey Him, and I feel peace.
I'm still filled with grief, still depressed, and yeah, there's a little apathy. I just don't want the apathy to take over. So I look at the stars and feel gratitude for God's creations, and it brings me back.
That might not be what works for everyone, but if it helps anyone I figured I'd put it out there.