Thursday, December 9, 2010

In case you didn't know, God loves you.

Yesterday was a Bad Day.
First thing in the morning my daughter broke her dresser. The only pieces of nice furniture we own are this dresser and my piano. Truth be told, it's a bit of an albatross. We have 2nd hand dressers we got for the kids and this one doesn't really fit in our room so we gave it to her. Now each girl has her own dresser. So it is useful, but sometimes it's hard to own things that kids will eventually break and that will upset you when they do. It's just too nice to get rid of it. Do you have stuff like that?
The previous night the baby didn't go to sleep until 2am. Yes. TWO ante meridiem. So I wasn't exactly well rested. I was like a robot going through my chores that day.
I cried twice.
I tried for the twentieth time in the last 2 weeks to call the building scheduler for our church
Christmas party (Saturday) to make sure we weren't double booked and to arrange key pick up. And for the twentieth time she didn't answer (no answering machine either).
Then I went to pick up my son from school; I missed him. I also looked like a homeless person when I went to get him, but I didn't care. Obviously.
After giving him a hug I realized he wasn't wearing his necklace. You know, the $20 eczema necklace I bought last week for the great Eczema experiment. It had fallen off on his second day of wearing it.
I had about 32 million thoughts go through my head at that moment. I wanted to yell at him, I wanted to cry, I wanted to put him on a guilt trip. But instead I said I was really disappointed and let's try to look for it. We couldn't find it. So we went home and I told him all we could do was pray. I wasn't going to replace it without knowing if they work yet, they're too expensive.
When we got home I knew I needed to leave the house before doing permanent emotional damage to my family. So I went to buy groceries and thought about everything in my life that was stressing me out: my son's first "red day" at school, the upcoming church party, money, asthma medicine that costs $50 (with insurance) and has bad side effects -so I didn't get it and feel like a bad parent, feeling like a bad parent, my unruly 2 year old, and a lost $20 necklace and the hope I had with it, and other small things.
And then I missed my dad. I missed him so much and I just cried and cried. And I'm crying again as I type this because I just knew that he could make me feel better. That if he told me none of this mattered and he was proud of me I could pick myself up and tackle life head on.
But he's not here. And I hate that life isn't fair!
But I composed myself and went in and bought my groceries.
As I exited the store I was greeted by a breathtaking sunset. I stopped in my tracks and just stared. And I teared up (are we keeping a tally?) because I just knew that was God's way of telling me, "I'm so sorry you've had such a bad day. I love you."
No judgement. No criticism. No "go home and pray/read your scriptures/do your visiting teaching". Just love.
I wish I could say a magical sunset made everything better, but I can't. I had a hard time falling asleep from worrying over everything from the kind of shampoo I use to Sudanese politics.
This morning I got up as soon as my alarm went off and did some yoga. It helped. My kids did it with me which also helped.
I get to volunteer in first grade a Thursdays and when I got there I was greeted by my son who held up his hazelwood necklace! One of his classmates had found it.
And the best part was when my son whispered into my ear that God answered his prayers again.
Moments like that are precious. And I'm grateful for it. I don't want to blog too much about feeling depressed because it's, well, depressing. But if I don't write for a while or comment on your blog or facebook be rest assured I'm simply wallowing in undeserved self-pity. :) Love you guys and thanks to all for the kind words earlier. I know so many of us feel this way (heck, it's my second go around) and it's comforting to know we aren't alone.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad that you write about it. Like we've talked about before, when you're real there are so many people who say "me too!!" You are never alone and I am glad your bad week got a little better!